By Cobra Commander
You've probably heard that Mark Zuckerberg, the multi-billionaire CEO of Facebook, is unhappy about the way he's portrayed in the hit film The Social Network. Well, Marky Zuck, if you're reading this, I have two words for you.
The Social Network was directed by David Fincher. DAVID FINCHER!!! The guy's a certified cinematic genius. I mean, have you SEEN Fight Club? And don't even get me started on Zodiac... that movie is so brilliant on so many levels.
"But Fincher got the facts wrong!" Z-man protests. "He made me out to be an asshole! And he made up a fictional girlfriend who broke up with me!"
Dude, you invented Facebook. Even if you are the nicest guy in the world, you're still an asshole because YOU INVENTED FACEBOOK.
And at least the movie Zuckerberg got to have a girlfriend for a few minutes.
For some real cinematic slander, I'd like to point out a little television mini-series from 1983 about yours truly titled (for some reason) G.I. Joe. It was directed by Dan Thompson. Yes, THE Dan Thompson, world-renowned auteur of several episodes of Nickelodeon's Rugrats. The mini was written by Ron Friedman, who is so much cooler than Social Network writer Aaron Sorkin. I mean how can Sorkin's work on The West Wing compare to Friedman's work on The Dukes of Hazzard or B.J. and the Bear?
(That whole last paragraph was dripping with sarcasm. I feel the need to point that out, as I have no idea if Mark Zuckerberg's generation can parse sarcasm if it is not indicated by a stupid emoticon or some such shit.)
In case you aren't familiar with my work, Z-money, all you really need to know is that I am a brilliant and dangerous terrorist with my sights set on world domination. But you probably couldn't figure that out from the Joe mini.
Fincher made you an asshole? Well Thompson made me incompetent. I have killed SO many of the "Joe" team of soldiers. Like it's in the hundreds, and there are only twenty or so left. But the worst damage the TV "Cobra Commander" does is damage an airplane to the point that the pilot ejects and parachutes safely to the ground.
And Thompson gave me a lisp! Like "SSSSS-seriously." Who talks that way? Not me, as I'm a homicidal badass with thousands of minions under my command. Could I instill fear in my men shouting orders with a lisp? Doubtful.
But the worst thing, I think, is the lack of evil babes on the Joe show. In the real world, I score so much tail, you wouldn't believe it. Or maybe you would. I mean, I'm rich and powerful and all that. But Friedman only wrote one Cobra chick--a kinky twist with glasses (!), a German accent (!!), and a thing for Destro (!!!).
Destro, I should explain, is one of my underlings. And he has a metal face. Not a mask, his actual FACE is METAL. The guy don't even get pity sex.
But he's the cock of the fricking walk according to the bard Ron Friedman. And I, Cobra Commander, greatest terrorist of the 20th Century, am either celibate or homosexual. Whatevs.
So shut up, Mark Zuckerberg. You don't know how good you got it.
(And Mr. Fincher, if you'd like to make a biopic about a subject who appreciates your talent, please get in touch.)